Friday, June 18, 2010

Today...


I would like to be gone. It doesn't matter how. Buried in a hole, drowned in the sea, smothered by a large, furry animal...it doesn't matter. I am so tired. I am a little bit broken... maybe a lot. I don't know who or what I am, or what I am supposed to be. I don't know what I think... that's probably why I'm blogging, to try and find some clarity here.
The stupid little things that make a person survive are not happening for me. Can't sleep, can't eat, can't think...
It seems like I am in constant pain - this head of mine - I almost hope there is a tumor hiding there that will one day cause a sudden death... almost. I have always claimed to have no fear of dying, and sometimes it is all I really want... but the truth is, everyone is afraid of death - the unknown, the darkness that will come with it... it's just that sometimes that darkness seems to be the sweetest possibility... sometimes.
So, here I ramble, and leave still broken, still without a conclusion or resolution...

2 comments:

  1. You are not broken dear, you just think more than most. I remember for years thinking death was a viable option. I no longer think that way, but if it happens...I can die with that.

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  2. The rain is sad today.
    It was angry yesterday,
    throwing itself mercilessly
    against the glass in the door.
    A drunk at the wrong house,
    in the middle of the night.

    Perhaps it has a hangover?
    Just dripping from the gutter,
    grey and uninterested.
    With it’s eyes closed,
    not caring where it falls.

    On sad-rain days like today,
    the epidemic infects me.
    Sadness borne on the wind,
    spreading itself across the countryside
    Leaving misery in it’s wake.

    I sit, and gaze.
    Waiting…
    For the joy of sunshine
    to burn away the sadness
    and caress my fevered skin.

    03 May 2004

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