Thursday, June 30, 2011

White Knuckles and Pure Guts

Really, really down lately. Being sick for so long isn't helping. Yesterday was a terrible one, filled with stress and anxiety. I hunkered down in my bedroom for as long as possible after Ryan came home from work, looked at facebook and saw all kinds of posts about what people did for dinner, and felt like a complete failure for not having cooked for my family.
I made an effort to stand up for myself yesterday, and as usual, it blew up in my face. I somehow look like the horrible bitch, and although I keep telling myself that I didn't do anything wrong, and in fact, I did everything right, it's not helping. The knowledge that someone is angry with me and is talking about me to everyone with an ear makes my heart ache. I know, I know that their words and thoughts and actions shouldn't hurt me, and that I shouldn't care about it, but no matter how many times I say to myself, "Don't care! It's not your problem!", I still do.
My kids have had two late nights in a row, and dealing with them during the day is hell. They are loud, obnoxious, antsy, disrespectful and rude.
It didn't help that Ryan came home really late yesterday, and as soon as he walked in the door, he started flipping out about all kinds of things.
A person's mind can only handle so much before stress begins to affect the body. When he got home, I acquired an instant migraine and horrible stomach ache. All I wanted to do was curl up in the dark and sleep, but I felt like a terrible mother and person for wanting that. I shut down. I was there in body, but not in any other way. Go through the motions, do what needs to be done, hope that bedtime comes very soon.
I woke this morning to yet another misunderstanding with one of my favorite people in the world. Somehow I didn't understand what was wanted and needed, and I let her down. I feel like a failure, again. I was hoping today would be new. Instead, it will be a continuation of yesterday. I need a hole to crawl into.
Yes, yes, yes. I am most certainly depressed. Exhausted in mind, body, spirit, heart.
There is always the question of "Will I make it through this time? Can I function and end up okay?"
Several people have suggested recently that I might consider going back on meds to "level me out"... With all my heart, I don't like the idea of it. Always, I say things like, "It's just a phase. I'll get through it. Everything gets done that needs to be done. Nobody else can tell that anything is wrong, because I'm great at controlling it."
A dear friend said to me recently, "But even if you are a PRO why live that way? Always holding it together with white knuckles and pure guts." That idea struck me viciously. I'd never really thought about it before. Why try so hard to appear "normal", when inside you're breaking apart, using every necessary vice to hold yourself together? Why not accept some kind of help from outside, something that would certainly work?
I have a lot to think about, and right now, I can't think clearly.
Duct tape, superglue, and string will hold me together for now. I hope.

Day 226

Hi, little guys! This is the last time I will bother your nest. Congratulations, Cardinal mama and papa! Here are the babies when they were still stuck inside their shells.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Day 225

I wonder which Little put these faerie flowers in the bird bath.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Day 224

Birthday card from my sister - it's so pretty!

Monday, June 27, 2011

One at a time.

Growing weary of the constant idea that I could just blow away on the wind, I am cautiously allowing one or two roots to shoot out from me, into the ground of this life. I am hoping for the knowing that I am anchored to something, somewhere - feeling solid, feeling stronger, growing... Becoming rooted makes me feel a little afraid, simply because it's something I have never done. What if I want to be blown away sometimes? What if nobody waters me, or the sun doesn't shine enough? Will I still thrive, or survive? Will I wilt and shrivel?
The thing is, even though I am a little afraid of all of those things, the need for roots is stronger than that fear. So, here we go. One at a time.

Day 223

I actually feel a little bit pretty today. Must be because I'm older now!

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Day 222

Happy Birthday to me! I got myself this shirt, thank you, self! This is a pretty great organization, and since they are non-profit, it's cool to support them by buying their stuff! Love to everyone.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Day 221

Today I found out that when you walk through a store with a huge bunch of balloons, everyone smiles at you as you pass.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Day 220

A post card from my sister! I am terribly jealous of her ability to just pick up and go somewhere, anywhere. I wish...

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Day 219

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. ~e.e. cummings, 1955
This photo was rather an accident... I was taking a picture of the sky, and this guy flew right into the shot.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Day 217

Poor strawberry section of Neapolitan ice cream... nobody loves you!

Monday, June 20, 2011

Day 216

You are not my friend. Also, your head is peeling. You should get that looked at.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Day 215

I stood at the top of a very tall ladder to see these guys. It was all I could do to ignore the mother and father as they dive-bombed me over and over again. I wonder if Mr. Cardinal will become a daddy today!

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Day 214

The only thing that I absolutely HAVE to do today, is travel across town to an unknown location, in search of this exact brand of hot pepper, at a store that may or may not be opened when I arrive. My husband is going through serious withdraw, and the only cure is to find him some more. Wish me luck!

Friday, June 17, 2011

Day 213

Well, hello! I've been waiting for you!!

Identity lost

This dream I had.
I was going back to Fanda, was with a bunch of kids, and we got out of the van and everyone was getting their stuff and settling into their rooms, and there was that horrible feeling, that ache of knowing that I was there again, that rock in my stomach, that hole in my heart, that heavy, heavy sadness that I felt every time, every single time I went to Fanda.
But then! all of a sudden, I looked at myself, and saw that I was an adult, and that I wasn't being made to go there, I was just there because I thought it was where I belonged. the feelings that followed... I felt lost, confused, untied, like a helium balloon that's been let go. And at the same time, this huge wonder, like, "Wow. I don't have to be here. This is no longer my place. Does this mean I'm free?" There was that, and it was good, but the lostness was so much bigger.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Day 212

My children, I adore each of them so much.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Long day, tomorrow will be new.

It's been a long, long day. My stomach, throat, and head still hurt from the endoscopy on Monday. Jonas tore the fingernail right off of his finger, and sustained a deep gash across the whole nail bed. The end of his finger was partway off, and he needed stitches. X-rays confirmed that no bones were broken, thank God, because had they been, we would have ended up in plastics for the rest of the day. We found his entire fingernail when we got home, stuck to the door in which he had slammed it. Roots (?) and all. Amazing.
It was 105 degrees today here, which beat the record, held since 1933, of 90 degrees. I am hoping for a good, strong storm to cool things off.
I haven't watched a complete movie for ages. For certain, I have slept through the last four that Ryan's brought home. Just can't manage to stay awake. It's okay. The guy gets the girl, the world is saved by the hero, etc. etc. Good thing films are so stinkin' predictable these days!
See you tomorrow.

Day 211

Pretty little.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Day 210

I feel dreadfully uninspired today. So, here is a photo of Janis and Maisy... don't they look cute together?

Monday, June 13, 2011

Day 209

The nurse didn't listen to me when I told her which vein to NOT use. It REALLY hurt.
Mad face because the IV hurt so much.
Cold feets.
Scary IV bag.
That's me. Yep.
Am I breathing? Actually, yes. I am really dizzy and snoozy from the drugs they gave me, and I don't remember anything about the procedure itself, and I didn't die, and so far I'm not coughing up blood, so that's good.
Preliminary results showed gastritis and esophagitis, both kind of a "duh", if you consider how many pills I swallow in a week. The doctor took some samples of my stomach to send in for biopsy... have to wait two weeks for the results. On to my next appointment in 2 hours. Then I can EAT, DRINK, and SLEEP!

*Update - second appointment went well, and instead of just an ultrasound of the gallbladder, it was an ultrasound of pretty much all of my organs. Good. Will know results of that by Wednesday, at the latest.
My friend and I went to Tropical Smoothie Cafe afterwords, where I devoured glass after glass of ice water, a supremely delicious turkey sandwich, and a make-your-taste buds-dance smoothie.

Sunday, June 12, 2011


Tomorrow. The only positive thing about tomorrow is knowing that it will be over by the end of the day.
I will not be allowed to eat or drink anything after midnight tonight. I will get up at 5am, drive myself to an appointment during which I will be sedated. (Endoscopy, stomach) Ryan will bring along five kids to pick me up, and we will leave my car there. I will be home for an hour and a half, and then Ryan will drive me to pick up my car, and I will drive myself to the next appointment. (Ultrasound, gallbladder)
I don't generally say that I am afraid, even if I am. But I will say it now. I am afraid. As with any invasive procedure, there are risks involved. I might not wake up from sedation. They might puncture my stomach lining.
Also, I do not love the idea of fasting for more than 16 hours. But, tomorrow is only one day, and it won't last forever. I am hoping for some answers.

Day 208

Things often look different in the morning light.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Button Boquets

My girls and I got this great idea from a friend's blog! We did our own today, and they turned out super-sweet!

Day 207

My tree.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Day 205

A smoothie - my new favorite thing to eat! In this one: Kiwis, mangoes, bananas, raspberries, and a splash of milk.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Day 204

I really wanted to walk down this path, but "No Trespassing" signs were posted everywhere... too bad. Had I been alone...

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Day 203

I tried out a different place for getting prints. I'm REALLY happy with the quality. I will use them again!

Monday, June 6, 2011

Day 202

The water is warm, the water is warm

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Day 201

The tree is crying!

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Day 200

My girl. Dirty, tired, and sunburned - but we had such a fantastic time camping, and playing at the beach!

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Day 199

First night of camping - NOBODY got any sleep. Camping is so fun. No, really, it was.

No internet access tomorrow, because we are going camping at the beach with some dear friends, our kids, and our friends' kids! So here's a saved spot for Friday, June 3rd! Love.

Day 198

I love the way my garden looks right now, and when the Crepe Myrtles bloom, it will be even prettier!

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Day 197

Hey, look! It's June!