Day 165

Day 164

My love.

Day 163

Storm weary flowers in the median.

Day 162 - I'll know my name as it's called again

Mumford & Sons - The Cave

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

Day 161

I bought myself a ton of new flowers yesterday, and took their many portraits. So, today I give you an overlay experiment that seems to have been successful.

Day 160

I sold my guitar months ago, so that I could get a tattoo... I immediately regretted it! Found this one on Craigslist, and got it for SUPER cheap. It's nice to have one in my hands again.

Day 159

Day 158

Day 157

Day 156

I wonder if he is too small to be called a sapling yet. Cute little Mango tree!

Day 155

Day 154

Spinning

Day 153

Mmm.

Day 152

Flowers in my pocket.

Freedom?

I have been valiantly fighting off another bout of depression for about a week now. Today I realized that all I really want right now is to be completely alone. And I don't mean for a few hours, or a day, or a weekend, but for a long time.
I gave birth to my first child when I was nineteen years old. God, that seems so very young to me now, so young. I never experienced "single life", where I could do whatever I wanted to, whenever I felt like it.
I got married at 22, and from then on, was either pregnant or nursing. It's been about six months since I weaned my youngest, and there is this feeling of, "Now what? What am I now? WHO am I?"
I have ideas of things that I have always longed to do, to be a part of. But they seem like distant dreams, unreachable.
I must say here that I adore my family. My husband and my children. But I long for something more, or just something different. My days are full of "what ifs" and it makes me so tired to know that nothing I have dreamed will be a reality.
To be alone? I crave it. To jump in the VW bus and just drive, with no destination in mind, and no obligation to come back? I long for it. "Freedom", I think it's called.
Eventually a caged bird stops singing. My song is warbling.

(Now, now. Don't anyone jump to any wild conclusions. I have NO intention of making it so that I am alone. I am simply expressing my feelings here, because it's helpful in sorting things out. I can't imagine life without these people in it. Ever. Which brings us back to the beginning of this post.)

Day 151

Day 150

Day 149

Fun dress, sundress.

Eulogy

She loved everyone. Or said she did. But it wasn't a love that most people think of when they hear the word. She loved everyone so that she could feel something. She was always reaching, reaching for the feeling of being loved, and in doing so, she poured out her own heart onto everyone and everything.
She was not selfless. On the contrary, she was one of the most selfish people who ever lived. All she wanted was to be loved, no, to be adored. She never found it, in all of her years of grasping at the wisps of what might have been.
So she went around telling everyone that she loved them, hoping that saying the words, and filling others with that thing she longed for might just be enough. It wasn't. It never could have been, really. What she wanted, nobody could give to her.
Did she love all of you? She said so, didn't she? Perhaps that is all you need, then. To hear it. To have it.
She had hundreds of friends, in many countries, but there was nobody who would be what she needed. To be fair to all of you, nobody could be that. If she tried to define it, her words got lost on the wind. Her heart knew what it was, certainly. But it was not an earthly thing that could be given to anyone so easily.
She lived an adventurous life, but she was constantly bored, constantly turning her eyes to and fro, hoping for a glimpse of something so shatteringly brilliant that it would make her world stop. She missed out on many sweet moments because she never simply looked at the here and now.
Remember her with sympathy, then. Although it is said that she is in a better place now, which might possibly be a true thing, remember that she never found what she was looking for on this earth. Remember that her heart longed hopelessly for something that could not be attained. And if you are where she was, try, try to change your direction now. Try to understand that constantly questing for something that does not exist will cause you to lose valuable time with real people and miss out on wonderfully unique experiences. Try to just be. Free.

Day 148

May your eyes be opened by the wonderful. ~James

Day 147

I think my Bronze Mannikin is lonely. He lost his mate awhile ago. I love his singing, though. All day long.

Day 146

They say that laughter is the best medicine. I am not so sure.

Day 145

The past few days, all of my energy has been spent on trying not to break into a million pieces. It's Sunday morning, and although it should be a "day of rest", I feel in my bones that it will be anything but. I am tired. My soul is tired. My heart is tired. How to find rest?

Day 144

I bombed our house for fleas today, and Ryan insisted that EVERYthing be put away... It looks like we just moved in! And, where did all my stuff go? *wanders off to dig through cupboards*

Day 143

Day 142

A birdie poo.

Day 141

Day 140

This is me, in the wee hours of this morning, waiting for a ride home after a very long and quite adventurous trip.
Story number one: (This story happened on a previous trip, but I don't think I ever told it.) I got to the airport and went through security, where they confiscated a bottle of my favorite lotion because it was too big. I said to the TSA agent, "Can I at least put some on before you take it??" He growled a mean old "No!" at me. I got to my gate, and sat there just fuming over the whole fiasco. That lotion cost me nine dollars! After awhile, I said to myself, "Screw it. I'm going back to get it, and put it into my checked bag."
I went back through security, and demanded that they give my lotion back. Yes, I even stomped my foot. I took my coveted lotion back to the check-in counter and told them that I needed my suitcase. They told me that it had already been sent outside to the plane, and I stomped around and said, (in a very whiny way), "That's my favorite lotion, and it's nine dollars! Are you going to give me nine dollars to buy a new one??" They called down then, and requested that my suitcase come back up. Eventually it plopped onto the baggage claim belt, all alone, and I triumphantly put my lotion into it, dragged it back to the TSA guys, who said to me, "I have never, ever seen that actually work." I walked away feeling very smug indeed.

Story number two: My flight to PA this time was amazing. I have never had a trip go so smoothly and without stress. Due to my original flight being full, I was bumped to an entire different airline, and made it to my destination two hours earlier than I would have. Hoorah!

Story number three: The trip home was a little more complicated. A delayed flight which would have caused me to miss my connection sent me to another flight which would have given me about nine minutes to make my connection flight, which is still cutting it pretty close. We began to taxi, and a woman on the plane became frantic and terrified, and demanded to be let off. The pilot turned us around and we headed back to the gate, knowing that most of us would definitely be missing out connections. Four hours in NC, which I found to be full of interesting sights and people, and finally I was on the plane home.
The above photo is me, the ONLY person left in Tallahassee's tiny airport, waiting for a ride. I love traveling. I love the unknown. I love the people that I meet along the way. I love to be the person who just rolls with it all, knowing that eventually I will make it to my destination.

Day 139

I am flying home today, and I'm excited to see my kiddos and husband. But, this trip has been superb. Relaxing, full of quality time with much-loved people, a night of letting everything go and dancing wildly, great food, no stress, sound sleep, and a heart made full. It has been refreshing, and overflowing with happiness.

Day 138

A head in my mother's garden.

Day 137

Good morning, beautiful Daffodils! Today is so much warmer than yesterday! You will be happy.

Day 136