Tuesday, May 31, 2011


I sort of had an epiphany over the weekend. I've thought about this idea before, but never realized how deep it really goes. I'm nervous to even try to express it here, because words are sometimes so insufficient.
Since I was nine years old, I have been taking care of other people. Back then, it was my little sister, who came to school when she was seven. I felt like I needed to protect her, be there for her, mother her. I've talked about this particular thing before, but never as it relates to me now.
I had my first child when I was nineteen. I was a kid, really, in more ways than just age. I got married when I was twenty-two, and a year later had my second child.
Now we have four, and they are my job.
I've been in therapy for many months, now, working on growing older. No, not older than my age in years, but older in mind and soul and heart.
My husband was going for awhile, as well, but recently decided that he didn't want to go anymore, because it wasn't working for him fast enough.
Our therapist ages people, based on how they respond to things emotionally, and socially. I was about six years old when I first started going, and have made it to age ten. My husband was also around six years old when he started going, and I'm not completely positive, but it seems to me that he is still six. He didn't go for very long.
SO. We have a married couple, who are both very young emotionally and socially, that are trying to raise four children into functional adults. My hopes for good results are low, and sometimes I don't hope at all.
But here I am rambling, and haven't even gotten to my epiphany yet! Here it is: Because I have basically been a "mother" since the age of nine, and because I was raised in boarding school with no actual parents involved for most of that time, I missed out on something very important. Just being someone's child. Being held, knowing that unconditional love that children should know from their parents, being cared for. And what's lacking is so much more than just an emotional level of needing. It's physical. I want someone to do things for me. Brush my hair, tell me to take a shower and go to bed, even tuck me in at night. I want someone to cook healthy meals for me, and insist that I eat them. I want someone to make boundaries for me, and enforce them. I want the knowing that most children have, the knowing of unconditional love. It's this longing that I am quite sure will never be fulfilled, and the emptiness that exists there, that thing that was missing all those years ago, sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in it.

Day 196

Watching it bloom was really, really cool.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Day 195

All snuggled up.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Day 194

Hot blueberry muffins for breakfast.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Day 193 - I'm sorry.

It all started when you wouldn't tell me what was wrong. Why you were slowly pulling away from me, becoming quieter and more withdrawn.
I felt abandoned and lonely, and my creativity began to fall away like feathers from a molting bird.
I know you felt like I was judging you too harshly, that I was being unfair. And maybe I was. I waited for a long time, but nothing ever changed. In the depths of my loneliness, I was approached by someone else, someone who shared my passions and held a light of creativity unlike anything I had ever seen. I was immediately drawn towards that light, like a moth to a candle.
Offering a challenge with no judgement, no strings attached... I couldn't say no. Please don't misunderstand me. You and I shared many great moments. But what did you expect? Did you really think that I would wait around forever for you to come to your senses?
I had to move on. I hope that someday you will understand, and I hope you can see the new beauty that I am able to create without you.
Someday, I hope that we can do a photo challenge together again. Meanwhile, I will be exploring the art of reflections in random objects.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Day 192

Yesterday was such a hard one for me. So much emotion. Grief, rage, resignation, exhaustion, frustration, but eventually, happiness. Music really is a form of medicine. Good for the heart, good for the mind, and the soul.
Today still feels strange, like there is something lurking just around the corner, waiting to leap out and fill me up with negative. But this is only morning, and maybe the feeling is just residual from yesterday. We'll see.

A small rant

Dear [Almost] Everyone (including the stupid nurse who asked me if I was still feeling sick after she told me the results):
Just because my doctor did blood work on me, and the things he tested for [Vitamin deficiencies, Thyroid, blood count and sugars] came back fine, does NOT mean that I suddenly feel better. What it means is that I now have more questions and zero answers.
Thank you very much for [not] listening to me.

Still Freaking Sick

Day 191

Okay, okay. To make this post count for TODAY, here is a photo from this morning. *grin* But, what I REALLY want to show you, is this amazing little fellow. I took his photo last night.

Here's his story:
The kids went out to the pool for a swim, and came flying back into the house, yelling about an owl that was laying on the ladder. Ryan went out to investigate, and sure enough. This baby owl had somehow managed to fall into our pool, and made it to the ladder where he was laying, shivering. Ryan plucked him out of the pool, and we all gathered around to offer the little guy encouragement while he dried off.
All of the kids were able to touch him, and we all learned something about this kind of owl (Barred Owl). I don't know about all owls, but this kind has a second set of eyelids that can close, making it's eyes look very blue.
Anyway, while we were sitting with him, we noticed his mother on the other side of our fence, calling to him.
Eventually, he stopped shivering, and worked at flapping his wings a bit. He made it over to the fence, but couldn't manage to get to the other side, so Ryan gave him a boost.
The mom was there waiting for him, and she came right up to him once he'd made it over. We watched as she stretched out her wings, and as she got him to do the same. She led him over to a tree with limbs that were closer to the ground, and convinced him to go up.
The last thing I saw was Baby Owl sitting on a branch, with his mom and dad on other branches in the same tree. A happy ending!!!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Day 189

Plopped down in a clearing. Lovely.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Day 187

He is patiently waiting to be planted in the ground. What a darling fellow.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Day 186

Driving on this road makes me grin. Hugely.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Announcing the best machine, EVER.

We are thrilled to announce our development of a new machine - a machine so amazing, that once you get one, you will never need another machine again!
It does everything! It cleans, it cooks, it washes and folds your laundry! It finds your lost things! It serves as a taxi, a bed, a comforter, a gardener! It wipes away your tears and snot! It makes you lists, so that you never forget something at the grocery store! It keeps a running record of your life through photographs! It pays your bills! You never have to worry, because this new machine does all of your worrying for you!
Can't find a sock? Ask the machine! Can't find your pants? Just ask! The machine will find them for you before you can say "skipadeedoodah"!
It can even be inseminated and carry a fetus, deliver it, and nurture it! Note: It can only do this action up to four times, before blowing a fuse and being broken forever. We are working hard on finding a solution to this small problem.
The best part about this new machine? You never have to listen to it's ideas or opinions! We have noticed a couple of small glitches, aside from the one noted above: One which causes the machine to ramble sometimes, and one which makes the machine seem to be almost depressed. But all you have to do is ignore it! Amazing. Truly, the best invention to date. Get yours today!!

Day 185

Willow's two favorite toys.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Day 183

Shoes waiting for Willow to go play outside

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Day 182

There's a garden in my hub cap!

Monday, May 16, 2011

Day 181

Wouldn't it be awesome to paint my bus with sky and trees? The best part would be, it would totally match the interior!

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Day 180

Sometimes I feel like this... like I could be blown away at the slightest puff of air. And sometimes I even wish for it.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Day 179

Magnolia in the rain

Friday, May 13, 2011

Day 178

I dreamed last night that all of my teeth fell out, and I wandered through the house collecting them up off of the floor. Here are some "meanings" to dreams in which teeth fall out:

‎"Dreaming of teeth falling out may represent insecurity. These dreams often occur at a time of transition between one phase of life and another. When we lost our milk teeth, we also gradually lost our childhood innocence. Loosing your teeth therefore show that today you have similar feelings of uncertainty and self-consciousness as you did in childhood."
Dream Book says (pg 132): At their most fundamental level, teeth seem to represent fidelity to self. That is, the degree to which we uphold our decisions, respect our inner preferences, and remain loyal to what we love and value. In an age when we are taught to hedge our bets, go along with the majority, or stick with situations that are a poor fit because of potential rewards, many of us dream of losing our teeth or finding they are misshapen or unhealthy. This often occurs when the reasons for a compromise are powerful indeed and our awareness of more individual needs has been pushed aside. Threat or harm to teeth often reflects a compromise that is exacting a high (but private) cost to you. Teeth that return to health or wholeness often symbolize the emergence into a situation that permits you greater freedom to be yourself.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Day 177

I despise feeling vulnerable. This is just another one of those days.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

A plea to the Church

I am floored by the amount of people who claim to be children of God, know specifics about abuse that happens within the church or other organizations that is covered up and swept under the rug, and simply shake their heads, perhaps even say, "How sad." and then walk away from the whole subject.
Why, WHY do you leave it up to a small handful of wounded people to shout Truth to the world? Why do you look at us and think to yourselves, "How pathetic. Why can't they just move on? These 'kids' are dwelling on ancient history. And, in the process of sinning in that way, they are smearing the Christian 'name'."
Church, you don't need to worry about other people smearing your name. Your deathly silence and eagerness to look the other way is doing an excellent job of that.
Why don't you come along beside those of us who are limping and battle-weary, help to hold us up, join your voices with ours so that we can be louder, and reach farther?
If you are truly children of God, then we, the shushed minority, are your brothers and sisters. And we need you to stand with us, acknowledge us, and help us put an end to future abuse and especially future coverups within the church and other christian organizations.
Through it all, much love.

~Your weary sister.

For information pertaining to our long battle, you can see everything at www.fandaeagles.com
Also check out our forums, where most of the really great conversation takes place.

Day 176

My mom sent me this magnet for Mother's Day. I love it.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Day 175

Ahhhh. Flowers on my windowsill. I am so happy!

Monday, May 9, 2011

Day 174

Isaiah and Sahara made these owls on their own over the weekend. I think they're darling.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Day 173

Get a room, guys. Ha.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Day 172

Our kitchen light doubles as a bug catcher.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Day 171

I don't even like this picture, but my head hurts and I don't feel like taking any other ones today.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Day 169

Funny Lucy.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Day 168

Okay, I admit it. I am a little weird.

Monday, May 2, 2011

A losing battle, maybe.

Right now, right this moment, I am in the middle of a rabid panic attack. I don't know what else to do. I am typing to stop myself from biting the crap out of my thumb. Here's how it goes: Heart racing, mind spinning, me pacing around and around, actually flapping my hands, trying to make them feel normal again. I can't catch my breath, just pulling in deeply over and over again. Trying to will myself into being calm.
Why, you ask? There is no reason. Not specifically. Nothing has happened to set me off. I am not worried about anything, or more stressed than usual, or planning on doing something daring. It just happens, randomly, for no apparent reason.
Usually I can calm myself down pretty quickly. Talk to myself, purposely taking deep breaths, distract myself with something else. But this one is proving to be tricky. I feel like throwing up.
I called my doctor's office at 4:35, and asked to make an appointment. I would like to have something around to take, as needed, you see. The receptionist said, "I'm sorry, you're going to have to call back at 8 am tomorrow." I have no idea why. I hung up, and I cried.
Because, I know that by 8 am tomorrow, I will feel normal again. It's right now that I needed to make an appointment, so that I would know that soon I would have something to help. By tomorrow morning, I will probably have forgotten about the whole thing, and will also probably forget to call them back to make an appointment. I will forget until the next time, which could be tomorrow, or next week.
The funny (?) thing is, during this whole thing, I have made dinner, changed a diaper, doled out snacks and drinks, broken up a fight, and sent a couple of text messages.
To anyone looking in, I would seem (maybe) like a normal, albeit high-energy, mom. But nobody can see a panic attack, unless the person having one happens to be wonderfully dramatic. That's what's most scary, maybe. That I can be experiencing this, and be completely alone with it, in myself and my head and my body.
I am going now, even though, or maybe because, this typing hasn't worked. I'm not sure what else to do.

Day 167

This is the first time in my life that I have planted seeds and seen them grow into something beautiful. Usually they either don't sprout at all, or they die. So, hooray! I am expecting to have a garden-full of these.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Day 166

Happy May Day!