Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Grand Central Station?

The water in the teapot whistles the arrival of it's boiling point, the dishwasher rumbles like a freight engine starting down the tracks. And the kids, one at a time, roar into my room like a train with no breaks, and leap with bone-jarring impact of knees and elbows to wake me from my restless sleep. This day of crashing, crushing sounds has officially begun.

Day 14

Willow's most awesome boots - made in Italy.

Monday, November 29, 2010

What everyone wants, when it comes right down to it.

I am tired of working for something unattainable. I am tired, in general.

I just want to love and be loved, with no obligation and with no expectation.

Day 13

A very small bit of Ryan's collection. There is a whole wall in our living room dedicated to his butterflies. I love them.

(As always, you may click on the image to view it in a larger, more lovely size.)

Sunday, November 28, 2010

An intermittent piece of ramble

I probably should have started a separate blog for the 365 day photo challenge, but I didn't. So in between days and days of photos, you will be seeing random and possibly misplaced posts by me. The wonderful thing is, you don't have to read it!
The other day was a terrible one for me, a setback, so to speak. I wanted to be like smoke or fog, or smog. No, not smog, because smog stays. I wanted to disappear. To be and then suddenly not be.
Usually those days are few and far between, and I am grateful to say, fleeting.
That day seems to be hanging on, however. For some reason, I do not feel fine. I still want to not be. I am overwhelmed with my life which is not overwhelming. I am anxious and achy.
The achy part really bothers me, because I have noticed that with stress of mind or soul comes physical pain that presents itself by way of a migraine, or a stomach ache so bad that I can't walk, or muscle pain or joint pain, or exhaustion, or sleeplessness, or nausea and other stomach issues that I won't elaborate on. I think it might be easier to feign normalcy if the physical pain did not exist.
I can act. That's not a problem. I've done it for years. It does become exhausting when I do it for too long, but I'm great at it.
Today I literally cannot handle anything. I can't even act today. If I was to be exposed to a social situation right now, I would most likely be forcibly committed to a hospital... in that wing.
Ramble, ramble. I did say you didn't have to read this, right? I'm writing it for myself, to try and work things out here. Sometimes that helps, sometimes it doesn't.
Today I want to get into a car and just drive to nowhere, and not stop. I want to be alone completely, with no sound. I don't want to come back home.
Let me be clear, this is not about my family. I adore beyond words, my husband and my kids. This is about something in me that is broken, or at least badly bent. Can I be repaired? Ha. I actually laughed. That's good, right? Perhaps, if a cynical laugh can be called "good".
People have tried for years to repair what's broken in me. I have, too. I wonder if duct tape would work. If only.
I feel small. I feel cold. Dark. Alone in myself.

I feel lost.

Day 12

A 31-year-old ornament. Mine.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Day 11

Isaiah was very pleased that we were both wearing black hats today. He wanted a photo of the occasion. Ta-da!

Friday, November 26, 2010

Day 10

These are my favorite leggings in the whole wide world.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Day 9

There is nothing like a brand spanking new tin of Bag Balm, untouched. It makes me want to put my whole hand in and squish around.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Day 8

Working on colors with Willow today. She knows blue and red, and sometimes purple.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Day 7

Experimenting with Overlay on my camera today. Fun!!
This is the pool and my face.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Day 6

VW tire, flowers, sky, and me.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Day 5

Janis through the window

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Day 4

Ryan says I look like a crazy person waiting for the aliens to land.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Day 3

We love to be outside - here, Willow is telling me about a leaf she found on the ground.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Day 2

There are three trees growing out of my neighbor's rain gutter.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Day 1

Grapes in the window - Yes, I need to dust.