Monday, August 16, 2010


What once was hurt, What once was friction, What left a mark No longer stings. Because Grace makes beauty Out of ugly things...Grace makes beauty out of ugly things.(U2)

Dancing Barefoot

Here I go when I don't know why
I spin so ceaselessly
'Til I lose my sense of gravity

I'm dancing barefoot
Heading for a spin
Some strange music drives me on
Makes me come up like some heroine



My therapist has this moustache, only his is skinnier. Love it. He even twirls the ends.

Soft hat.

I bought this hat when I was up in Pennsylvania, in the middle of the heat of the summertime. My sister thought I was crazy. "Why are you buying a hat like this when you live in Florida??" Well... because it's soft. That's it. My one and only reason. It seems that Willow appreciates the softness as much as I do! Here's to stomping around in a winter hat, in the middle of summertime, in the heat of Florida. Here's to the soft hat!

One week

One week from today, three things will be happening. Our 8-year anniversary... feels like 20. GRACE's final report and recommendations will be coming out... scary and exciting. Three of my kids will be in school! For this I am thrilled. I think this week will feel like forever. Here's to staying as busy as possible to change the way time flows. Love.

Friday, August 13, 2010


A session which was meant to focus on anger and rage, eliminating it... I am not sure if it was dealt with sufficiently. I may have to ask for a re-do. I did learn some things about myself, though, so all wasn't in vain.
My rage stems from feeling powerless, helpless and frustrated. If I can through EMDR find a way to change those affects within myself, then I think the rage will dissipate.
Today I have this knot of anger in me, and it makes me feel ill and antsy. It seems like my mind is just waiting for a small excuse to explode into violence and shouting. I won't, because I know the damage that sort of reaction would do to my kids, but I feel it strongly still.
Was last night a waste? Not completely, no. No experience is a waste.
Parting words of therapist: "Yes. He was a sadistic son-of-a-bitch."

Friday, August 6, 2010

I am Phoenix

I used to be this little creature, so helpless and smashable. The smallest glance, the hint of mean intention would have me crumbled into myself and make me feel as though I were without bones or muscles, as though I would just blow away on the wind.
I feel as though I am being reborn into a new, more powerful creature. I can look into the eyes of men who have hurt me and know that I am bigger than they are. Know that I will not be defeated by their cruel intent. Know that they cannot harm me with their words or actions any longer. I can look into their eyes and see them in my mind, smaller than small, like mice or worms or pieces of dust.
They look at me still, as though I were a child, easily molded, easily frightened, easily controlled by their manipulations. But they are so, so wrong. I am a woman, fully grown and wielding a new-found sense of self.
I am Phoenix, risen from the ashes of my childhood. I am a beautiful creature, made from fire. I have wings now, and I will fly.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Feelin' Free

I must say, I am truly amazed at how well and fast the EMDR therapy has worked for me. I was a little skeptical, but ready for anything, because honestly, I had tried everything else.
Since my last session, I have noticed a slow but steady change happening in me. I do not feel that deflated feeling so often when someone hangs up on me "too fast", I don't feel quite as needy as I used to be. I am content with sitting quietly for long periods of time, and I haven't felt the desire to constantly be talking to someone (usually on the phone).
I feel... calm and something else... I can't put my finger on that other feeling. But it is not a bad one.
The therapist compared me to a Phoenix tonight. "A phoenix is a mythical bird that is a fire spirit with a colorful plumage and a tail of gold and scarlet (or purple, blue, and green according to some legends). It has a 500 to 1000 year life-cycle, near the end of which it builds itself a nest of twigs that then ignites; both nest and bird burn fiercely and are reduced to ashes, from which a new, young phoenix or phoenix egg arises, reborn anew to live again. The new phoenix is destined to live as long as its old self. In some stories, the new phoenix embalms the ashes of its old self in an egg made of myrrh and deposits it in the Egyptian city of Heliopolis (literally "sun-city" in Greek). It is said that the bird's cry is that of a beautiful song. In very few stories they are able to change into people." I think he meant that I am making a new, bright life for myself out of the ashes of my childhood. Or maybe, he just used the wrong comparison.
I feel something niggling at the back of my mind, like a small fear that everything will become as it was for me, and all this will have been for nothing.
Next week we will be directing the EMDR towards the general "ANGER" in me. What is this "anger"? It is more than just feeling mad over something, it is a rage. It becomes out of control so quickly, like a wildfire that I can't put out.
I am curious to see what the next session will bring. Still hopeful. And here I will leave this rather random post with the words "You're doin' great, kiddo!" still ringing in my head.