Monday, June 23, 2014

Buy or Bye

I had to say "bye" to Chantix.  Mainly because when it was time to buy the second month, I was $47 short (I'm poor. Very.)  Then, in the way that things have of happening, things happened.  My oldest is trying to get his driver's permit.  It's a whole fiasco that I'm not gonna get into here, but basically, it's costing more than twice what it should have.
Nobody panic, yet.  Quitting Chantix doesn't necessarily mean I'm quitting quitting.   It might.  I don't know the future.  I do know that this is day four without Chantix, and I don't want a cigarette.
Okay, so some things I've noticed already, being OFF of Chantix:  I am highly emotional.  Like, crying.  A lot.  Anyone who knows me, knows I can't stand that crap.
I'm not sleeping well.  I lay awake - wide awake, until almost morning.  I don't mind it.  In fact, it's a nice change from the dreams.  
Oh.  Coffee!  It's the first time in a month that coffee isn't disgusting to me.  I'm so relieved.  For that month, the smell and taste of coffee made me feel like vomiting.  I still drank it, but only one cup instead of two, and I had to set the cup far enough away from my face, that I couldn't smell it's coffeeness.
I hope food starts to taste better, too.  It's been disappointing lately, although I suppose you wouldn't know it unless I said it, since I've gained at least five pounds.
The nagging headache that I've had since starting Chantix.... IS STILL HERE.   I think I said it before, but I'll say it again in case I'm doing that weird - did I dream it or what - thing.  It's not a normal headache.  I know a tension headache, and I certainly know a migraine.  This is neither.  The closest it comes to is a concussion headache, which I'm also too familiar with.
I'm not sure if I'll keep writing blog posts about this journey.  I might.  Maybe just one more, a few months from now, or something.  Just to let everyone know if I've stayed quit, or if I went back to the cancer sticks. To everyone thinking right now, "She's definitely going to start smoking again.", maybe. If you're right, uh, you'll win an "Basic Intelligence and Definite Superiority" medal.    I hope it makes your day!
I also hope you're wrong, but I wouldn't place any bets on anything, at this point.
Oh, one more thing. To those few people who just simply love me, no matter what, even when I'm a huge loser, and show their love with no judgment, THANK YOU.  xo

Friday, June 13, 2014

Chantix - 3 Weeks In

That's a baby owl that fell into my pool a few years ago.  I feel like he looks the way I feel.  *squinch*
Anyway, not much new to report.  I still want to smoke, but not as much as before.  Last week, it felt like every second of every day, I was thinking about cigarettes.  Also, when I think about smoking now, the first thought is, "I really want a cigarette." followed by "That sounds so gross."
Last weekend, this drunk girl who I'd told about my endeavor, actually said, "Hold this!" at one point, and Amazingly, I didn't smoke it.  Not even a little bit.  When I saw her the next day, I told her about it, she apologized, and I said, "Nooo, you did me a favor!  I'm pretty proud of myself right now."
I think the worst part of this whole thing is feeling so tired and crappy all the time.  You'd think I'd be used to that by now, but nope.  Chantix makes it a lot worse.
Emotionally, I don't feel as grumpy as I did last week.  I think I'm sleeping better.  I don't remember whole dreams, just bits and pieces mostly.
Psychologically, I feel like I always feel.  Which probably isn't "normal", but it's MY normal, so I'm okay with it.
I think that's it.  I hope this works.  I'm not sure I'll be able to continue the next two months, for financial reasons.  But we'll see how things turn out.

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Smoking is Bad, Chantix is Cruel

Today ends the second week of taking this stuff.   Here's everything so far:
This awful headache that never goes away.  It's not a migraine, and it's not a tension headache.  The closest kind I can compare it to would be a concussion headache.
Extreme fatigue.  And I mean, I'm falling asleep randomly throughout the day, going to bed before 8pm most nights, and waking up still tired.
In the first week, I was all surprised to have an appetite.  That's gone.  I eat, because if I don't eat, this stuff really makes me sick.  Nothing sounds good.
Ohhh, smells.  I know this one is because of the lack of cigarettes, and not necessarily the Chantix, but whoooooo-eeeee, smells.  Huge dislike for that one.  Even good smells are just way too strong.  Yuck. Gross.  I may have to plug my nose up with a clothespin or something.
Sounds.  So, along with feeling really tired all the time, I'm also REALLY on edge.  Sounds are the worst.  Yesterday, I opened a water bottle, and the sound of the cap unscrewing made me want to scream.   Imagine every sound you hear in a day, magnified a thousand times, and then imagine several of those piled up on top of each other.  And THEN imagine that some of those sounds are actual conversations that you need to be participating in, without squinching up your face, covering your ears, or cringing and wincing away.
I still want to smoke.  I miss it.  The worst times are when I have coffee, or after I eat food.  I haven't driven much since starting this stuff, but I'm sure it'll be the same for driving.
You know how I said I'm on edge?  Yeah.  Pretty much everything I read makes me over-the-top angry.  I actually blogged about everything that was pissing me off, a couple days ago, but I've deleted it, because I'm pretty sure it would have alienated, and/or hurt the feelings of, every single person I know.  (Not really, but more than half, for sure.)   I'm also much more prone to get my feelings hurt lately, which is dumb, but not something I can help.
Sleeping.  Uhhh, man.  So I do go to sleep really early, but I wake up a LOT during the night, mostly because I'm talking loudly or shouting.  The dreams are basically reality.  I mean, it's very hard to tell the difference, even once I'm awake.  So far nothing too awful, but every one of them is like being awake and experiencing real things.
I think that's it for now.  Honestly, I was hoping that Chantix would make it so I didn't miss cigarettes, but I guess that's not how it's gonna be.