Friday, June 18, 2010


I would like to be gone. It doesn't matter how. Buried in a hole, drowned in the sea, smothered by a large, furry doesn't matter. I am so tired. I am a little bit broken... maybe a lot. I don't know who or what I am, or what I am supposed to be. I don't know what I think... that's probably why I'm blogging, to try and find some clarity here.
The stupid little things that make a person survive are not happening for me. Can't sleep, can't eat, can't think...
It seems like I am in constant pain - this head of mine - I almost hope there is a tumor hiding there that will one day cause a sudden death... almost. I have always claimed to have no fear of dying, and sometimes it is all I really want... but the truth is, everyone is afraid of death - the unknown, the darkness that will come with it... it's just that sometimes that darkness seems to be the sweetest possibility... sometimes.
So, here I ramble, and leave still broken, still without a conclusion or resolution...


  1. You are not broken dear, you just think more than most. I remember for years thinking death was a viable option. I no longer think that way, but if it happens...I can die with that.

  2. The rain is sad today.
    It was angry yesterday,
    throwing itself mercilessly
    against the glass in the door.
    A drunk at the wrong house,
    in the middle of the night.

    Perhaps it has a hangover?
    Just dripping from the gutter,
    grey and uninterested.
    With it’s eyes closed,
    not caring where it falls.

    On sad-rain days like today,
    the epidemic infects me.
    Sadness borne on the wind,
    spreading itself across the countryside
    Leaving misery in it’s wake.

    I sit, and gaze.
    For the joy of sunshine
    to burn away the sadness
    and caress my fevered skin.

    03 May 2004