I would like to be gone. It doesn't matter how. Buried in a hole, drowned in the sea, smothered by a large, furry animal...it doesn't matter. I am so tired. I am a little bit broken... maybe a lot. I don't know who or what I am, or what I am supposed to be. I don't know what I think... that's probably why I'm blogging, to try and find some clarity here.
The stupid little things that make a person survive are not happening for me. Can't sleep, can't eat, can't think...
It seems like I am in constant pain - this head of mine - I almost hope there is a tumor hiding there that will one day cause a sudden death... almost. I have always claimed to have no fear of dying, and sometimes it is all I really want... but the truth is, everyone is afraid of death - the unknown, the darkness that will come with it... it's just that sometimes that darkness seems to be the sweetest possibility... sometimes.
So, here I ramble, and leave still broken, still without a conclusion or resolution...
You are not broken dear, you just think more than most. I remember for years thinking death was a viable option. I no longer think that way, but if it happens...I can die with that.
ReplyDeleteThe rain is sad today.
ReplyDeleteIt was angry yesterday,
throwing itself mercilessly
against the glass in the door.
A drunk at the wrong house,
in the middle of the night.
Perhaps it has a hangover?
Just dripping from the gutter,
grey and uninterested.
With it’s eyes closed,
not caring where it falls.
On sad-rain days like today,
the epidemic infects me.
Sadness borne on the wind,
spreading itself across the countryside
Leaving misery in it’s wake.
I sit, and gaze.
Waiting…
For the joy of sunshine
to burn away the sadness
and caress my fevered skin.
03 May 2004