Monday, May 2, 2011

A losing battle, maybe.

Right now, right this moment, I am in the middle of a rabid panic attack. I don't know what else to do. I am typing to stop myself from biting the crap out of my thumb. Here's how it goes: Heart racing, mind spinning, me pacing around and around, actually flapping my hands, trying to make them feel normal again. I can't catch my breath, just pulling in deeply over and over again. Trying to will myself into being calm.
Why, you ask? There is no reason. Not specifically. Nothing has happened to set me off. I am not worried about anything, or more stressed than usual, or planning on doing something daring. It just happens, randomly, for no apparent reason.
Usually I can calm myself down pretty quickly. Talk to myself, purposely taking deep breaths, distract myself with something else. But this one is proving to be tricky. I feel like throwing up.
I called my doctor's office at 4:35, and asked to make an appointment. I would like to have something around to take, as needed, you see. The receptionist said, "I'm sorry, you're going to have to call back at 8 am tomorrow." I have no idea why. I hung up, and I cried.
Because, I know that by 8 am tomorrow, I will feel normal again. It's right now that I needed to make an appointment, so that I would know that soon I would have something to help. By tomorrow morning, I will probably have forgotten about the whole thing, and will also probably forget to call them back to make an appointment. I will forget until the next time, which could be tomorrow, or next week.
The funny (?) thing is, during this whole thing, I have made dinner, changed a diaper, doled out snacks and drinks, broken up a fight, and sent a couple of text messages.
To anyone looking in, I would seem (maybe) like a normal, albeit high-energy, mom. But nobody can see a panic attack, unless the person having one happens to be wonderfully dramatic. That's what's most scary, maybe. That I can be experiencing this, and be completely alone with it, in myself and my head and my body.
I am going now, even though, or maybe because, this typing hasn't worked. I'm not sure what else to do.

3 comments:

  1. I just read your post on my Google-reader and wanted to let you know that I read it, and that I'm thinking of you.

    I hate panic attacks, I have had many of those two years back, and I am someone who was pretty dramatic about them! :) I'm sorry you weren't able to make the appointment, I know how frustating that can be!

    Hope it stops soon. ~ Hanneke

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  2. Hang in there b! I know it's no help to tell you I know what it's like.

    You should still go to the Dr. in the a.m. I did. I was given prescriptions but I never filled them. It helps knowing I have the option to go to the pharmacy and get something, even if I am afraid to take them.

    My last attack was last summer, at a wedding. The photographer approached our table and asked me to stand and get in the picture. I thought my heart was gonna fly out of my chest. I ran outside, smoked half a pack, cried, then went back inside once I saw the photographer leave. I was ashamed and felt foolish. That's when I made my Dr. appointment.

    I do find that tea helps. Try a calming one. Or make your own mix. I did. I mixed organic Chamomile, Kava Kava, Valerian root, and green tea. I drink it loose leaf and sometimes add fresh mint, ginger or honey. It helps with sleeping too. Do some research. Making your own tea can be truly beneficial.
    I hope you'll be feeling better soon! <3

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  3. Thanks, ladies! Of course, I am perfectly fine this morning, although there is the inevitable raging headache and exhaustion which always follows a day like yesterday.
    J - tea, why didn't I think of that! I'll be calling the doc again this morning. I still don't understand why they wouldn't make an appointment yesterday, but then again, this IS the South...

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