This dream I had. I was going back to Fanda, was with a bunch of kids, and we got out of the van and everyone was getting their stuff and settling into their rooms, and there was that horrible feeling, that ache of knowing that I was there again, that rock in my stomach, that hole in my heart, that heavy, heavy sadness that I felt every time, every single time I went to Fanda.
But then! all of a sudden, I looked at myself, and saw that I was an adult, and that I wasn't being made to go there, I was just there because I thought it was where I belonged. the feelings that followed... I felt lost, confused, untied, like a helium balloon that's been let go. And at the same time, this huge wonder, like, "Wow. I don't have to be here. This is no longer my place. Does this mean I'm free?" There was that, and it was good, but the lostness was so much bigger.
Where did the lostness come from?
ReplyDeleteNot knowing where I belong anymore...
ReplyDeleteI understand. No tether. No roots.
ReplyDeleteExactly that.
ReplyDeleteMaybe too it's your subconscious dealing with the growth that has happened, and recognizing your strength to define yourself by something else, but not yet knowing what that is. Fanda is and was such a big part of who you are, so it would be natural as you heal from the hurts for your dreams to work out what that means for you, and who you are now. Loving you always.
ReplyDelete