I have been valiantly fighting off another bout of depression for about a week now. Today I realized that all I really want right now is to be completely alone. And I don't mean for a few hours, or a day, or a weekend, but for a long time.
I gave birth to my first child when I was nineteen years old. God, that seems so very young to me now, so young. I never experienced "single life", where I could do whatever I wanted to, whenever I felt like it.
I got married at 22, and from then on, was either pregnant or nursing. It's been about six months since I weaned my youngest, and there is this feeling of, "Now what? What am I now? WHO am I?"
I have ideas of things that I have always longed to do, to be a part of. But they seem like distant dreams, unreachable.
I must say here that I adore my family. My husband and my children. But I long for something more, or just something different. My days are full of "what ifs" and it makes me so tired to know that nothing I have dreamed will be a reality.
To be alone? I crave it. To jump in the VW bus and just drive, with no destination in mind, and no obligation to come back? I long for it. "Freedom", I think it's called.
Eventually a caged bird stops singing. My song is warbling.
(Now, now. Don't anyone jump to any wild conclusions. I have NO intention of making it so that I am alone. I am simply expressing my feelings here, because it's helpful in sorting things out. I can't imagine life without these people in it. Ever. Which brings us back to the beginning of this post.)