Wednesday, April 13, 2011
She loved everyone. Or said she did. But it wasn't a love that most people think of when they hear the word. She loved everyone so that she could feel something. She was always reaching, reaching for the feeling of being loved, and in doing so, she poured out her own heart onto everyone and everything.
She was not selfless. On the contrary, she was one of the most selfish people who ever lived. All she wanted was to be loved, no, to be adored. She never found it, in all of her years of grasping at the wisps of what might have been.
So she went around telling everyone that she loved them, hoping that saying the words, and filling others with that thing she longed for might just be enough. It wasn't. It never could have been, really. What she wanted, nobody could give to her.
Did she love all of you? She said so, didn't she? Perhaps that is all you need, then. To hear it. To have it.
She had hundreds of friends, in many countries, but there was nobody who would be what she needed. To be fair to all of you, nobody could be that. If she tried to define it, her words got lost on the wind. Her heart knew what it was, certainly. But it was not an earthly thing that could be given to anyone so easily.
She lived an adventurous life, but she was constantly bored, constantly turning her eyes to and fro, hoping for a glimpse of something so shatteringly brilliant that it would make her world stop. She missed out on many sweet moments because she never simply looked at the here and now.
Remember her with sympathy, then. Although it is said that she is in a better place now, which might possibly be a true thing, remember that she never found what she was looking for on this earth. Remember that her heart longed hopelessly for something that could not be attained. And if you are where she was, try, try to change your direction now. Try to understand that constantly questing for something that does not exist will cause you to lose valuable time with real people and miss out on wonderfully unique experiences. Try to just be. Free.