Thursday, August 5, 2010

Feelin' Free

I must say, I am truly amazed at how well and fast the EMDR therapy has worked for me. I was a little skeptical, but ready for anything, because honestly, I had tried everything else.
Since my last session, I have noticed a slow but steady change happening in me. I do not feel that deflated feeling so often when someone hangs up on me "too fast", I don't feel quite as needy as I used to be. I am content with sitting quietly for long periods of time, and I haven't felt the desire to constantly be talking to someone (usually on the phone).
I feel... calm and something else... I can't put my finger on that other feeling. But it is not a bad one.
The therapist compared me to a Phoenix tonight. "A phoenix is a mythical bird that is a fire spirit with a colorful plumage and a tail of gold and scarlet (or purple, blue, and green according to some legends). It has a 500 to 1000 year life-cycle, near the end of which it builds itself a nest of twigs that then ignites; both nest and bird burn fiercely and are reduced to ashes, from which a new, young phoenix or phoenix egg arises, reborn anew to live again. The new phoenix is destined to live as long as its old self. In some stories, the new phoenix embalms the ashes of its old self in an egg made of myrrh and deposits it in the Egyptian city of Heliopolis (literally "sun-city" in Greek). It is said that the bird's cry is that of a beautiful song. In very few stories they are able to change into people." I think he meant that I am making a new, bright life for myself out of the ashes of my childhood. Or maybe, he just used the wrong comparison.
I feel something niggling at the back of my mind, like a small fear that everything will become as it was for me, and all this will have been for nothing.
Next week we will be directing the EMDR towards the general "ANGER" in me. What is this "anger"? It is more than just feeling mad over something, it is a rage. It becomes out of control so quickly, like a wildfire that I can't put out.
I am curious to see what the next session will bring. Still hopeful. And here I will leave this rather random post with the words "You're doin' great, kiddo!" still ringing in my head.

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