Please...

...excuse me while I disappear...

Hey, you know...

Ingesting Beauty

Once upon a time, I was served the most beautiful, decadent desert I had ever seen - cheesecake drizzled with raspberry and chocolate, and miniature roses that were real and to be eaten. I felt like some of that beauty became a part of me just by swallowing it...

Rain...

...with the sun still shining and the droplets glistening on every blade of grass and the birds were in it, I think they were dancing, and the sky was blue, but there it was, the rain pouring down like maybe that blue got broken a little and couldn't contain what it held, and some of the glistenings may have been stardust, but about that I can't be certain, and the grasshoppers hopped and the earth worms came out, and we all played in it together, drizzled in shining falling light...

Falling Up

Floating up, falling up, dancing up and away, it's what I've always wanted, but now I am afraid. Going up means crashing down and nobody will catch me. Where's my anchor that will hold me tethered to reality? Flying up, crying up, defying the ridiculous idea of gravity, screaming up, up and away.... It's what I thought I wanted, but now I am A
F
R
A
I
D

Creatures like me...

I'm not sure what to make of these phases in my life when everything feels like a reflection in a mirror - nothing seems real. Lately, I am lonely. I have a full life with kids and husband, but it's not the same thing as having a best friend around to just sit with and shoot the breeze or really talk, or just say nothing at all and be comfortable in that silence.
Lately I feel emotionless, except for in my dreams, when my emotions are so heightened that I wake frequently with tears pouring, or laughter shouting, or anger screaming... Why can't I experience this rawness of feeling in waking?
It feels like something is missing, but if only I could figure out what that something is - and here's the great part - I know I'm not the only one who is in this boat. I want to see the others who are in this place with me! Where are you, you soul-sad, too-old-for-your-years, life-bruised, reality-torn creatures like me?

The Stuff of Nightmares

In this dream, my sweet Sahara had been abducted, and our doctor stood there telling me everything that had happened to her while she was not with me - horrible things, things that would change all of us forever. These are the feelings I was left with, am still left with...

Those fatal words are uttered - you fall to the floor trembling, needing tears but finding nothing satisfactory. Those words, every mother's worst nightmare, leave you dying inside and out, tearless and dry, holding yourself because there's nothing else to grab onto and you need to choke the life out of something or someone and you know that need will never be fulfilled...

And you lay there gasping, rasping, screaming for breath, while the whole world stands over you, looking down, wringing their hands and wrinkling their brows... Finally, you wake. "It was only a dream, it was only a dream, it was only a dream", and now the sobs come, the tears flow, the shaking hasn't quit, and you feel the urge to vomit... "It was only a dream, only a dream, only a dream..." and there is some relief, but still that thing holds onto you, that fear, that sickness, and you wonder if you will ever be normal after this...