I don't even like this picture, but my head hurts and I don't feel like taking any other ones today.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Day 171
I don't even like this picture, but my head hurts and I don't feel like taking any other ones today.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
A losing battle, maybe.
Right now, right this moment, I am in the middle of a rabid panic attack. I don't know what else to do. I am typing to stop myself from biting the crap out of my thumb. Here's how it goes: Heart racing, mind spinning, me pacing around and around, actually flapping my hands, trying to make them feel normal again. I can't catch my breath, just pulling in deeply over and over again. Trying to will myself into being calm.
Why, you ask? There is no reason. Not specifically. Nothing has happened to set me off. I am not worried about anything, or more stressed than usual, or planning on doing something daring. It just happens, randomly, for no apparent reason.
Usually I can calm myself down pretty quickly. Talk to myself, purposely taking deep breaths, distract myself with something else. But this one is proving to be tricky. I feel like throwing up.
I called my doctor's office at 4:35, and asked to make an appointment. I would like to have something around to take, as needed, you see. The receptionist said, "I'm sorry, you're going to have to call back at 8 am tomorrow." I have no idea why. I hung up, and I cried.
Because, I know that by 8 am tomorrow, I will feel normal again. It's right now that I needed to make an appointment, so that I would know that soon I would have something to help. By tomorrow morning, I will probably have forgotten about the whole thing, and will also probably forget to call them back to make an appointment. I will forget until the next time, which could be tomorrow, or next week.
The funny (?) thing is, during this whole thing, I have made dinner, changed a diaper, doled out snacks and drinks, broken up a fight, and sent a couple of text messages.
To anyone looking in, I would seem (maybe) like a normal, albeit high-energy, mom. But nobody can see a panic attack, unless the person having one happens to be wonderfully dramatic. That's what's most scary, maybe. That I can be experiencing this, and be completely alone with it, in myself and my head and my body.
I am going now, even though, or maybe because, this typing hasn't worked. I'm not sure what else to do.
Why, you ask? There is no reason. Not specifically. Nothing has happened to set me off. I am not worried about anything, or more stressed than usual, or planning on doing something daring. It just happens, randomly, for no apparent reason.
Usually I can calm myself down pretty quickly. Talk to myself, purposely taking deep breaths, distract myself with something else. But this one is proving to be tricky. I feel like throwing up.
I called my doctor's office at 4:35, and asked to make an appointment. I would like to have something around to take, as needed, you see. The receptionist said, "I'm sorry, you're going to have to call back at 8 am tomorrow." I have no idea why. I hung up, and I cried.
Because, I know that by 8 am tomorrow, I will feel normal again. It's right now that I needed to make an appointment, so that I would know that soon I would have something to help. By tomorrow morning, I will probably have forgotten about the whole thing, and will also probably forget to call them back to make an appointment. I will forget until the next time, which could be tomorrow, or next week.
The funny (?) thing is, during this whole thing, I have made dinner, changed a diaper, doled out snacks and drinks, broken up a fight, and sent a couple of text messages.
To anyone looking in, I would seem (maybe) like a normal, albeit high-energy, mom. But nobody can see a panic attack, unless the person having one happens to be wonderfully dramatic. That's what's most scary, maybe. That I can be experiencing this, and be completely alone with it, in myself and my head and my body.
I am going now, even though, or maybe because, this typing hasn't worked. I'm not sure what else to do.
Day 167
This is the first time in my life that I have planted seeds and seen them grow into something beautiful. Usually they either don't sprout at all, or they die. So, hooray! I am expecting to have a garden-full of these.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)