dream

something had been bugging me between my teeth for a long time, something stuck in there. it didn't really hurt, but it just nagged, and my tongue kept running over it... i kept trying to pick it out, but hadn't had too much luck.
suddenly one day, it just popped out - but it was a shell and it was huge! (well, huge for the space it had occupied between my teeth!) it was a lovely ivory color, with swirls of brown decorating it, and the pattern swirled along with the body of the shell. i could only see its color and swirls after i'd wiped all the blood and other gunk off of it.
i took it to a room full of people from the past - i wanted to show my mom. but when i got near her with my shell, it slipped through my fingers and dropped into the sand, and when i looked down, there were thousands of other shells there too.
i became frantic, and fell onto my hands and knees, sifting, searching, scrambling through the sand looking for the shell that had come from my mouth.
i grabbed and inspected ones that seemed similar to my shell, but had a heart-sinking feeling that i would never find my shell.
finally, it was in my hand! i turned to show my mom, while sobbing with relief at finding my shell, and really the relief i felt was showing it to her and telling her where it had come from, because after all, it was a very unusual thing to have stuck between my teeth...
i had the feeling of a child who had been lacking in comfort for too long, needy and almost begging for touch and affirmation... something...
i woke then...

"the age of shame"

i believe that shame is something we teach our children.
it is not something that they are born with.
consider tribes in the world where nakedness is ordinary,
even among adults. they do not walk around shielding themselves
from others' sight. they go about their daily duties without giving
any thought to their nakedness.
i believe that there is no "age of shame". it is beaten into us
from when we are young, because of the culture we live in.
i believe that if i didn't teach my children shame, they would
relish their nakedness and choose it over clothing.
what has our culture done to our innocence? why is our culture
so full of shame? why aren't certain other cultures ashamed to
be naked?
i believe that we will be naked in heaven, and that we will have
no shame in our nakedness. yes, we'll be "clothed" in light,
but our new and perfect bodies will shine through the light...

clean

i asked jonas to clean his room - it was disgusting, filled with trash and dust and clay mashed into the carpet. he howled and cried and told me "it's not that dirty! it's too hard to clean! i need your help!"
so together we made is room spotless. he stood, looking around and breathed a long sigh. "i feel so much better now, mom" he told me. "from now on, i will not throw trash around my room, and i will clean it every week so that it never gets this bad again."
it reminded me of myself - i was dirty and messy and sinful, and Jesus said, "you need to be clean, bonnie." i howled and cried and told Him, "i'm not that dirty! it's too hard to get clean! i'll need your help!"
so He scrubbed and dusted and cleaned me, and when He was finished, i stood, looked around, and breathed a long sigh. "i feel so much better now," i told Him. "from now on, i will try to stay clean..."
i didn't realize how bad it really was, until it was gone. now i feel emotional peace, soul-peace.

it only takes one drop
to start a waterfall,
it only takes one sunbeam
to make a rainbow,
it only takes one flower
to make a tree beautiful,
it only takes one kernel
to produce ears of corn,
it only takes one person
to cause change to happen,
so i can be that drop,
that sunbeam, that flower,
that kernel, that person -
to change everything.

time

on the day the time changes forward,
everything seems to slow down.
crowds are smaller, traffic is lighter...
churches are basically empty.
neighborhoods are silent,
kids are quieter, pets more sluggish...
even the birds seem different on
the day the time changes forward.

sweet moments in the morning

this morning brought me a small piece of delight.
willow and sahara sleeping in my bed...
willow starts to fuss, and sahara curls around her
and cuddles her, looking so protective.
these moments are my joy.

in order of importance

"read to me, mommy!"
"not right now, babe."
"play with me, mommy!"
"i'm busy right now."
"look at me, mommy!"
"i am trying to do my BIBLE STUDY!"

... it is a hard lesson that i have learned. kids, my kids must ALWAYS come first. a bible study, a book, a magazine, cleaning, cooking, all of these things are less important than filling up my dear ones' little hearts. god forgive me for the times that i have put other things first.