Day 59

It's such a cold, rainy day... I made a loaded baked potato soup and it was perfect! 

Day 58

Happiness 

Day 57

In my yard in the village, we had a sign that said, "The Slant Six", with each of our names hanging from it.  Here's my piece.  I feel like everything from that life is in pieces, but I hold tightly to what's left of it. 

Day 56

Had some pretty rough nightmares last night.  Mostly because I fell asleep remembering one of the worst times of my former marriage...wondering why, why in the world didn't I call the cops when it happened...that time...the kids were so terrified, they were hiding in their closet...that time of broken walls, broken doors, smashed door jambs, shattered wooden chair, broken hardwood floor...that time when I cried so hard I couldn't stand up...why didn't I call for help?  A million reasons, and none of them good.  Be BRAVE.  Be smart. Don't second guess yourself.  Sometimes it's okay to put away the Nice, and do what needs to be done.... I didn't.... I wish I had. 

Rant

This is my ex.  How can he call himself a single dad, when he doesn't do anything??  I have the kids every day after school, even on "his" nights, until whenever he decides to get back to his house. He pays no child support, doesn't help with food, doesn't contribute to the gas I use going back and forth from my house to his, 3 times every day.  

When he does have the kids, he doesn't spend time with them.  I know this, because I've seen it, and because they tell me.  

I take them to their friends' houses, their doctor appointments, I go to their parent/teacher conferences, their performances at school, and their games.  

I make sure they get clean and brush their teeth.  They were out of toothpaste at his house for over a week, mostly because he doesn't brush his own teeth, so the concern about his kids' teeth is zero.

I make sure homework gets done and that they wear coats to school on cold days. 

I'm completely mystified that someone can call themselves a single dad, when they do so very little to actually parent their kids.  

Do I call myself a single mom?  No. Because even though I do everything for them, they do have a dad, and he is in their lives.  Barely. But he is.  

It's insulting to me that he can crow about being a single dad, when I know the truth of things.  

Day 55

New rule: I am not "allowed" to go into Ryan's house, which means we have to sit in the driveway on "his" nights, until he decides to get back from work.  Willow doesn't mind hanging out with me in the van.... *sigh*

Day 54

When you walk into my house, the first thing you'll see is this.

Day 53

A friend and I were texting, and she was relaying the things she'd suffered in a previous marriage, and spoke about how long it took her to finally get away from the violent man.  

I always feel like my wounds are less than others', because I didn't get punched or choked or slapped.... But when she said, "Kudos to you, my dear, for freeing yourself from the black eyes no one sees... I'm uber proud of you.", I burst into sobs.  

The black eyes no one sees..... It was validating and somehow really beautiful, to be understood by someone.  Understood to the core. 

Day 52

Treasure hunting in the woods with the kiddos... Willow found the turtle shell!

Day 51

At work at 3am..... Long night, but pretty quiet.

Day 50

Dammit, they're so squishable. (Baby gerbils)

Day 49

Workin tonight, 11p-10a....  Coffee time!

Day 48

A most excellent day for sleeper sofa snuggles.

Day 47

Wow.  And *sigh*.... 

Day 46 (Sunday)

Found treasures!

Day 45

Finally put up a tension rod in this weird little space, and now the girls' clothes have a home!

Day 44

My girls totally rock. 

Day 43

She's six, but she will always be my baby. 

Day 42

This guy might be my favorite person in the world.  <3

Day 41

I got these for the girls at the dollar store....  I know they'll love them!

Day 40

Painting like a maniac, ha! Colorful porch. 

Day 39

Really sweet weekend with my kids.  Not sure why my oldest isn't in the photos, but he was here too.  Happy.

Day 38

First of all, none of them even want to go to his house.  They love it here.  Second of all, the evil side of me really wanted to send my response at 6:30 this morning....but as usual, the good side of me won out.  

When I was leaving his house with the kids yesterday, he told me he'd tried to claim me on his taxes, and was rejected. "It lost me $300." he said.  I thought to myself two things.  One, "Thank god I already filed mine!!" and two, "That almost makes up for the $400 utility bill he left me to pay..."  UGH.  Gotta let this stuff go.  Anger is not anyone's friend.

Also, as we were leaving, he yelled to Jonas, "Too bad you have to go to mom's house! I've got steak and ice cream!" I turned around and said, "He doesn't have to come to my house.  He wants to." 

*sigh*

*edit* How it ended up. (Had to take Jonas to get his stuff for football):

Days 35-37

Been super busy.  Everything is ready for the kids to start spending the night regularly, and I'm so, so happy about that!  

Day 34

Finally!!!  Bunkbeds!  That's my bed to the left, so you can see why bunks were absolutely necessary in my (the girls') room.  Hoping to get the boys' bunks set up soon.  Also, hooray for a day off work!  Not that I'm doing nothing, though.  I'm doing all the things I haven't had time to do yet. 

Day 33

I've been painting a lot.  Chairs, coffee table, desk, TV stand, shelves.  Weeeee!  I enjoy it.

Day 32

Goodness.  Every day I feel more and more like...this is my home.