Don't Wanna Talk About It

Back on Chantix.  Head hurts.  All the time.  Stupid Chantix. 

Buy or Bye

I had to say "bye" to Chantix.  Mainly because when it was time to buy the second month, I was $47 short (I'm poor. Very.)  Then, in the way that things have of happening, things happened.  My oldest is trying to get his driver's permit.  It's a whole fiasco that I'm not gonna get into here, but basically, it's costing more than twice what it should have.
Nobody panic, yet.  Quitting Chantix doesn't necessarily mean I'm quitting quitting.   It might.  I don't know the future.  I do know that this is day four without Chantix, and I don't want a cigarette.
Okay, so some things I've noticed already, being OFF of Chantix:  I am highly emotional.  Like, crying.  A lot.  Anyone who knows me, knows I can't stand that crap.
I'm not sleeping well.  I lay awake - wide awake, until almost morning.  I don't mind it.  In fact, it's a nice change from the dreams.  
Oh.  Coffee!  It's the first time in a month that coffee isn't disgusting to me.  I'm so relieved.  For that month, the smell and taste of coffee made me feel like vomiting.  I still drank it, but only one cup instead of two, and I had to set the cup far enough away from my face, that I couldn't smell it's coffeeness.
I hope food starts to taste better, too.  It's been disappointing lately, although I suppose you wouldn't know it unless I said it, since I've gained at least five pounds.
The nagging headache that I've had since starting Chantix.... IS STILL HERE.   I think I said it before, but I'll say it again in case I'm doing that weird - did I dream it or what - thing.  It's not a normal headache.  I know a tension headache, and I certainly know a migraine.  This is neither.  The closest it comes to is a concussion headache, which I'm also too familiar with.
I'm not sure if I'll keep writing blog posts about this journey.  I might.  Maybe just one more, a few months from now, or something.  Just to let everyone know if I've stayed quit, or if I went back to the cancer sticks. To everyone thinking right now, "She's definitely going to start smoking again.", maybe. If you're right, uh, you'll win an "Basic Intelligence and Definite Superiority" medal.    I hope it makes your day!
I also hope you're wrong, but I wouldn't place any bets on anything, at this point.
Oh, one more thing. To those few people who just simply love me, no matter what, even when I'm a huge loser, and show their love with no judgment, THANK YOU.  xo

Chantix - 3 Weeks In

That's a baby owl that fell into my pool a few years ago.  I feel like he looks the way I feel.  *squinch*
Anyway, not much new to report.  I still want to smoke, but not as much as before.  Last week, it felt like every second of every day, I was thinking about cigarettes.  Also, when I think about smoking now, the first thought is, "I really want a cigarette." followed by "That sounds so gross."
Last weekend, this drunk girl who I'd told about my endeavor, actually said, "Hold this!" at one point, and handed.me.her.cigarette. Amazingly, I didn't smoke it.  Not even a little bit.  When I saw her the next day, I told her about it, she apologized, and I said, "Nooo, you did me a favor!  I'm pretty proud of myself right now."
I think the worst part of this whole thing is feeling so tired and crappy all the time.  You'd think I'd be used to that by now, but nope.  Chantix makes it a lot worse.
Emotionally, I don't feel as grumpy as I did last week.  I think I'm sleeping better.  I don't remember whole dreams, just bits and pieces mostly.
Psychologically, I feel like I always feel.  Which probably isn't "normal", but it's MY normal, so I'm okay with it.
I think that's it.  I hope this works.  I'm not sure I'll be able to continue the next two months, for financial reasons.  But we'll see how things turn out.

Smoking is Bad, Chantix is Cruel

Today ends the second week of taking this stuff.   Here's everything so far:
This awful headache that never goes away.  It's not a migraine, and it's not a tension headache.  The closest kind I can compare it to would be a concussion headache.
Extreme fatigue.  And I mean, I'm falling asleep randomly throughout the day, going to bed before 8pm most nights, and waking up still tired.
In the first week, I was all surprised to have an appetite.  That's gone.  I eat, because if I don't eat, this stuff really makes me sick.  Nothing sounds good.
Ohhh, smells.  I know this one is because of the lack of cigarettes, and not necessarily the Chantix, but whoooooo-eeeee, smells.  Huge dislike for that one.  Even good smells are just way too strong.  Yuck. Gross.  I may have to plug my nose up with a clothespin or something.
Sounds.  So, along with feeling really tired all the time, I'm also REALLY on edge.  Sounds are the worst.  Yesterday, I opened a water bottle, and the sound of the cap unscrewing made me want to scream.   Imagine every sound you hear in a day, magnified a thousand times, and then imagine several of those piled up on top of each other.  And THEN imagine that some of those sounds are actual conversations that you need to be participating in, without squinching up your face, covering your ears, or cringing and wincing away.
I still want to smoke.  I miss it.  The worst times are when I have coffee, or after I eat food.  I haven't driven much since starting this stuff, but I'm sure it'll be the same for driving.
You know how I said I'm on edge?  Yeah.  Pretty much everything I read makes me over-the-top angry.  I actually blogged about everything that was pissing me off, a couple days ago, but I've deleted it, because I'm pretty sure it would have alienated, and/or hurt the feelings of, every single person I know.  (Not really, but more than half, for sure.)   I'm also much more prone to get my feelings hurt lately, which is dumb, but not something I can help.
Sleeping.  Uhhh, man.  So I do go to sleep really early, but I wake up a LOT during the night, mostly because I'm talking loudly or shouting.  The dreams are basically reality.  I mean, it's very hard to tell the difference, even once I'm awake.  So far nothing too awful, but every one of them is like being awake and experiencing real things.
I think that's it for now.  Honestly, I was hoping that Chantix would make it so I didn't miss cigarettes, but I guess that's not how it's gonna be.

Day Five

First, let me explain the Chantix dosage.  Days 1-3 are only a half mg every morning.  Days 4-7 are a half mg in the morning, and another half mg in the evening.  After that, it's a full mg in the morning, and a full mg in the evening - I imagine that this is when things start to get pretty rough.
Days 1-4 for me were okay, a little bit of nausea (especially if I forgot to eat), headaches; but headaches are a regular thing for me, some odd dreams, and I definitely felt more on edge than usual.
Last night, my dreams were peculiar, only because the same constellation followed through each of them.  It was beautiful, very bright, but something about it was frightening, too.
Today, I had to go have a CT scan with contrast, so I'm not sure if it's because my schedule was thrown off (ie: had to fast, including NO COFFEE!), or because of the contrast stuff they pumped into my veins, or maybe it's a bit of everything, but right now my head is pounding, the nausea is rolling, and I can hear my heart beating in my head like village drums.
I feel like the distractions today (like my cat giving birth to six kittens, the CT scan, two of my kids being home by noon) should have been helpful, but all I want to do right now is curl up in the dark and sleep for forever.
Oh yeah, the cigarettes.  My quit date is this coming Friday, but I really have no desire to smoke right now.  It's become quite unsatisfying, and even tastes kind of gross.  So, there's that update.  More another day.  xo

Oh, two more things:  I actually feel hungry, regularly, now.  (Great.  I'm gonna be a blimp.)

Also, I'm so, so tired.  All the time. 

Smoking is Bad

Smoking is so, SO bad.  I purchased my first cigarette in Senegal, when I was just 12 years old.  I haven't been home in awhile, so I'm not sure if this is still the case, but back then, the boutiques sold cigarettes one by one, or really, however you wanted to buy them.  I'm starting to ramble.
I've been able to quit off and on for years, only to start again, and it seems like every time I started again, I was smoking more than before.  I did the weaning thing, the cold-turkey thing (ohhh, that one is painful), the gum thing, and nothing has worked, permanently.
Four years ago, my little brother used Chantix to quit smoking - he's never gone back.  Chantix.  It's a really scary drug.  The side effects are extreme.  Insurance won't cover it.  (That's a whole separate rant.  Why in the WORLD would insurance rather cover the health consequences of smoking long-term, instead of covering a drug that will help many people quit for good???)
After doing as much research as I could about Chantix, I decided that all of the negatives of it are worth it if it helps me quit.  And not go back.
I went to my doctor yesterday for quite a few things (I hadn't had insurance for almost a year, so.), and while I was there, I asked him to prescribe Chantix.  He agreed that it's a good idea, and scribbled out the script. I don't have a "real" job right now, and have VERY little money coming in from watching a couple of kids a few days a week.
Get this.  Chantix is a three month thing.  For each MONTH, it costs over $200.  I quickly did some math in my head, and calculated that one month of Chantix is equal to me watching one child for three weeks.  How am I going to afford to put gas in my van?  Or get the oil change that's past due?  Or pay for my (very cheap!) health insurance?  Or any of the many other things that always seem to come up, especially when you're broke?
Even with all of that, I didn't have to stand there for long, deciding if it was worth it.  It is. It will be.  I got a bit of a discount through the Chantix website, and dropped $150 yesterday for the first month.  
So this is how Chantix works - you choose a quit date, and begin taking the medication a week before that date. This allows the medication to build up in your system.  Since I'm ready to get this show on the road, I took my first dose today, with my quit date being May 30th.
I'm really, really anxious about the whole thing.  I enjoy smoking.  But I also know how badly it affects my health, and how it could affect my future health, too.  I also know that I don't want to be a slave to anything, and I am most certainly a slave to smoking.  It's like I have no choice in the matter.  When my body decides it's time, I have to smoke.  That's not okay with me.
I'm anxious about how Chantix will affect me.  You're not supposed to take it if you have a history of mental illness or depression, and, well.... yeah.  I do.  It causes extremely vivid nightmares, which also concerns me, since my dreams have always been vivid and memorable, and mostly scary.
I'm anxious, I'm anxious, but I know myself, and I've done my research, and I feel like this is basically my last hope for quitting.   Considering how much it's costing me, it had BETTER WORK.  *scaryface*
I plan on keeping a weekly journalish thing, documenting the side effects, moods, and cravings.  And probably a lot of other stuff, since obviously I talk too much.
Good luck, me!  We can do this.