Memorial Day

In honor of the poor duped men and women who were told that they were fighting for our country's freedom, when in reality they are used as pawns in a war that all comes down to money and power. In honor of the men and women who proudly march overseas into the sands of a desert rich with oil and zip their best friends into body bags, and sometimes are themselves zipped up and shipped home to their families who are so proud of the little soldier that obeyed every command and died for our "freedom"... they close their eyes and ears to the facts that are obvious, that their child, brother, mother, father, sister died so that the people in power could live a little more luxuriously and drive a larger SUV, and eat a few more piles of Caviar, and fly their newest private jet to whatever meeting they are going to attend under the pretense of protecting the American people. God bless you, young men and women in uniform who have been lied to and tricked into believing that what you are doing is honorable and for the sake of America. God bless you, young soldiers who will suffer for years in mental and emotional trauma, and never get the treatment you need from your government, because in the end - and you will see this - in the end, they don't give a damn about you or our country. In the end it all comes down to money and power. God bless America.

The Many Me's

There have been times when I have been so filled with sorrow and despair that all I can do is lay curled into myself, unable to cry out, only to moan a name... "God.........." There is nothing else, not even tears can come to me when I am in that place. There have been times when I have been so filled with anger it pours out into destruction, glass smashing and breaking and crunching under my feet, sharp blade dragging against my flesh, pain searing, blood flowing, scars forming on the outside at least, instead of the inside of me where they are so thick and I fear that they will never leave. I have punched and kicked holes into various walls, thrown pots, pans and jars across the room, screamed obscenities until I had no more breath to scream. There have been times so dark that I cannot see anything clearly, and only wish for sweet death to come and find me, rescue me from the darkness, because the darkness of death has got to be brighter than what is here with me now.
I hate those parts of me. I dread facing them. I fear the sorrow, the despair, the anger, and the darkness. Once in awhile, I think that I have left it all behind, but out of nowhere they come at me, devouring me, changing me into a person that nobody would choose to be associated with.
There have been times too, of peace beyond my own understanding. A happiness so deep it is unimaginable. Contentment that fills every part of me, and flows onto my children and husband. These are the times that I long to hold onto forever, to become that person forever. During those times, there is a haunting below that peace and happiness that tells me, "This won't last." And I wait for the crash of sadness and despair and anger to come again.

Please...

...excuse me while I disappear...

Hey, you know...

Ingesting Beauty

Once upon a time, I was served the most beautiful, decadent desert I had ever seen - cheesecake drizzled with raspberry and chocolate, and miniature roses that were real and to be eaten. I felt like some of that beauty became a part of me just by swallowing it...

Rain...

...with the sun still shining and the droplets glistening on every blade of grass and the birds were in it, I think they were dancing, and the sky was blue, but there it was, the rain pouring down like maybe that blue got broken a little and couldn't contain what it held, and some of the glistenings may have been stardust, but about that I can't be certain, and the grasshoppers hopped and the earth worms came out, and we all played in it together, drizzled in shining falling light...

Falling Up

Floating up, falling up, dancing up and away, it's what I've always wanted, but now I am afraid. Going up means crashing down and nobody will catch me. Where's my anchor that will hold me tethered to reality? Flying up, crying up, defying the ridiculous idea of gravity, screaming up, up and away.... It's what I thought I wanted, but now I am A
F
R
A
I
D

Creatures like me...

I'm not sure what to make of these phases in my life when everything feels like a reflection in a mirror - nothing seems real. Lately, I am lonely. I have a full life with kids and husband, but it's not the same thing as having a best friend around to just sit with and shoot the breeze or really talk, or just say nothing at all and be comfortable in that silence.
Lately I feel emotionless, except for in my dreams, when my emotions are so heightened that I wake frequently with tears pouring, or laughter shouting, or anger screaming... Why can't I experience this rawness of feeling in waking?
It feels like something is missing, but if only I could figure out what that something is - and here's the great part - I know I'm not the only one who is in this boat. I want to see the others who are in this place with me! Where are you, you soul-sad, too-old-for-your-years, life-bruised, reality-torn creatures like me?

The Stuff of Nightmares

In this dream, my sweet Sahara had been abducted, and our doctor stood there telling me everything that had happened to her while she was not with me - horrible things, things that would change all of us forever. These are the feelings I was left with, am still left with...

Those fatal words are uttered - you fall to the floor trembling, needing tears but finding nothing satisfactory. Those words, every mother's worst nightmare, leave you dying inside and out, tearless and dry, holding yourself because there's nothing else to grab onto and you need to choke the life out of something or someone and you know that need will never be fulfilled...

And you lay there gasping, rasping, screaming for breath, while the whole world stands over you, looking down, wringing their hands and wrinkling their brows... Finally, you wake. "It was only a dream, it was only a dream, it was only a dream", and now the sobs come, the tears flow, the shaking hasn't quit, and you feel the urge to vomit... "It was only a dream, only a dream, only a dream..." and there is some relief, but still that thing holds onto you, that fear, that sickness, and you wonder if you will ever be normal after this...